January 14th

I do feel a little better today than yesterday. I ended up running last night for a few miles with a couple of other people. In all honesty, I really didn't want to go, but I kinda forced myself. These days I feel like I have to force myself to do a lot of things. I am telling myself in my head, "Come on, get up" or "Come on, brush your teeth", or "Come on, put the dish away". You get the idea... This is not usually like me, as most times I am quite obsessive compulsive. I am also normally a neat freak. That's one reason that I know I'm really being affected by my mind. If the clothes aren't put away, the dishes are dirty, and I haven't cleaned the kitchen in a while, and I don't actually care about any of this, then I know that my depression and anxiety is getting really bad. I remember in graduate school I would take an exam that I had been dreading, then just feel so releived that I would clean the apartment top to bottom.

As I did yesterday, I want to try to mention some good things in my life that I am thankful for. Of course I want to mention my husband and also my family. I'm also grateful that I have a job that for the most part I enjoy. Some new news is that my husband was offered a job yesterday. I don't want to get my hopes up too high, because this has happened once before, and things didn't work out. However, it looks like the contract was approved, so he should be starting next week.

It seems like the worst part of my day is in the morning, right before I get out of bed. I also don't do well in the parts of the day where I'm cold. Therefore, yesterday I decided to try sleeping on the floor of the den, where the fire was going. I think this helps my posture too. My husband did turn off the fire once I was asleep, but it still seemed to help sleeping there. I will probably try this again tonight. I just have to convince my husband to stay there the whole night too. Ok, well it's been a while since I've done any work for my job, so I'm going to try to get busy on that now.

a happy thought

I was talking to my sister the other day, and she told me that her therapist told her to write down 3 good things each day. So I was thinking of some good things and the first that comes to mind is my husband. He is very supportive. I feel bad that I don't laugh as much as I used to, and I'm sure this is related to the way I've been feeling. He still tries to make me laugh though, and still does sometimes succeed. I'd really be lost without him. I know many people who don't have that someone special in their life, or who maybe thought they did, and then realized it wasn't the right person. Therefore I am fortunate that I do have that person in my life. Although I realize I need to be doing work, I wanted to write this down, because it was a slight glimmer in my day. My hope is that over time there will be a steady flow of these glimmers, and a more steady flow of calmness, and that I will be able to "get back to being my happy self".

two days in a row

This is my second post in two days. I have had bits of calm, but it is still amongst anxiety and worry. I feel like it takes me a long time to get wound up in the morning. It's hard to get out of bed, even if I'm not tired. It's hard to get dressed and into work. And then it's hard to start being productive at work.

I read online yesterday that anxiety can preclude depression. In other words, you get so worked up and worried about something, that you start to have feelings of hopelessness.

I really need to have a positive attitude. I do have so many things to be thankful for. I mean, just look at what recently happened in Haiti. That country has so many problems to begin with, let alone what's happened in the last two days. My heart goes out to those people who have lost so much.

I did finally exercise yesterday. I rode my bike on the trainer in front of the TV for twenty minutes during "Ghost Whisperer". That show always makes me cry. At least it does now. Maybe I should try to do thirty minutes of exercise tonight. The hardest part is to just actually get on the bike and start pedalling.

I feel like I'm slouching a lot lately. I wish I would make more of an effort to sit up straight. It seems like my posture is related to my confidence. I wish I had more confidence, more hope, more positive thoughts. I wish I was not so scared. I wish I could find my St. Jude necklace too. Ok, I guess I better try to do some work now....

It's 2010

I was thinking of starting a blog, and then when I signed in to comment on somebody else's blog, I remembered that I already have one! Anyhow, I'm now drug free. No anti-anxiety meds, no depression meds, etc... It was so tough getting off them, and the last week was really tough, but I did it. Overall it was months of weaning down. Then when they were out of my system I felt ok. Then I decided to give up coffee. I knew this contributed to anxiety, and I wanted to see if I could do it. I lowered my intake day by day, didn't have too many headaches, and almost felt elated! However, I'm off the prescription drugs and the caffeine, but it's back. The bad feelings, the feelings helplessness, the fright, the crying, etc... I don't particularly like to sleep, I can't seem to find a food that I really want to eat, or something that I want to do. I haven't been running, which is probably adding to things. More soon (hopefully)....